While I love staying home with my boys, there are some days when I have to admit that I am pretty jealous of Chad. He gets to walk out the door and leave all the temper tantrums, spilled juice and fighting behind. He gets to sit at a desk and drink a cup of coffee before it's cold. He gets to eat his lunch from start to finish, often at restaurants I only dream of going. He gets to have actual conversations that don't revolve around why someone can't watch Peppa Pig for the fourth time that day before 9am or who was playing with what toy first.
Now don't get me wrong... Chad works very hard at his job, and he is great at what he does. I realize that his work isn't easy either and that he has his share of rough, chaotic and frustrating days. I know that he has long days where the last thing he feels like doing is coming home to a messy house, whiny children and a screaming wife. But at least he gets an 8-hour break from all of the madness. Some days I think an 8-hour break would be heavenly, and this is why I was so tempted by the job opening that I recently saw.
I mentioned the job to Chad, and we discussed the pros and cons of me applying for it. It basically boiled down to more money for the kids, house and us versus less time with the children. We have already discussed the fact that at some point in the future I plan to return to some kind of a job outside of the home. But our thoughts have been that this will happen once both boys are in school all day.
I know that I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home with my children while they are young. I realize that there are many people who would love to do this but who can't make it work. I know there will come a day when I will look back on this time and miss it, so I am really trying not to take my time with my children for granted or wish it away. But there are some days where I just have to wonder if I was meant to be a stay-at-home mom. Heck, sometimes I wonder if I am even qualified to be a stay-at-home mom! I mean, I never went through any training. My version of a craft is gluing some googly eyes on a circle and calling it a cat (or a dog, or a spider...). And there are days when my kids have eaten a lollipop for breakfast. Not to mention all the times when I am guiltily checking facebook statuses while Alec watches mindless television and Chase eats his sixth handful of Puffs (hey, at least I feel guilty about it, right?). Some days I have to admit that I feel more like a babysitter than a mother, and I feel like I don't give my children the attention I should when I am with them. I know this isn't true, and I know that I do give them plenty of attention, but I also wonder if I would be a better mother if I weren't around my kids all day. I think that if I had that "break" from them then I would be more attentive to them when I was home with them.
Ultimately I decided not to apply for the job. I know inside that I am not ready to go back to work outside the house, at least full time. I would consider something part time if it were close to perfect, and there is one place where I would consider a full-time job. Otherwise, for now my job is at home with the kids. Besides, I've already (barely) made it through three-and-a-half years...so what's another three-and-a-half more? I can always go to work, but I'll only have these years (although crazy ones) with my children now.
|And you thought I was kidding about the lollipop for breakfast!|